Man, blue windbreaker, cellphone in a pouch around his neck:

I just wanted to tell you about the sound you heard, the sound you thought you heard coming from my phone. You have headphones, the people behind me were talking louder than my phone could be, the sounds you thought you heard-

Me, I don’t realize the kind of person he is:

You think I imagined hearing noises from your phone?

Man, who is older with grey in his thick, black hair. His widow’s peak points down at me like a diving raven as I sit at this table in a cafe. He stands, he steps forward and back, he gestures:

No I don’t want to make it sound like that, I don’t want to argue, I just want to help you. You know we have a lot of technology and a lot of people don’t know how much technology we have and what it can be used for. If at some point in the near future a picture of a government agent appears on your laptop screen there, you should ask for proof. We’re here and there’s satellites above us that can track the devices we’re using. You have headphones, my phone doesn’t go that loud — I wish it would be louder, sometimes, but it’s a cheap phone — you have a nicer phone but you need to know that they’re tracking that. If a picture comes up on your screen, it could be coming from Nigeria. You can’t trust their identity, they can fake that. It’s a setup they try and get you for a scam. That’s what happened to some people in my family. Two hundred fifty thousand dollars is what they got because that’s what they do.

Me? I was so ready to go into argument mode that now I have to forcibly make myself nod and smile. Except, smiling isn’t quite appropriate. Nod and furrow? Just don’t look combative. Don’t ask questions. These are all ways to invite longer explanations:

I see.

Man, speaking at a reasonable pace, and at a reasonable volume. The beautiful woman sitting one table away has stopped typing, but the man doesn’t break eye contact with me:

Yes, they are scammers. That’s the technology in Nigeria and tracking you hear above you in the sky. If anyone tries to get you with an image on your computer screen you need to get them on video phone. You need to see the movement, on video phone, of their lips moving. Icons and names on the computer? Those can all be faked — most people don’t know that, that the technology is like that, and how it works. You have to see the real identity that they can’t fake: this! The face! An image of a badge can be in Photoshop in just a few hours, but if you see their lips move and their face that’s how you can identify them. Even then they have the satellites. They’re tracking you — audio, video — they can adjust what they look like, cater to you with what they say. Especially the old people, they’re more susceptible. That’s how they got my family, maybe I should say, I think. But it’s everything — it could be anything. So I just wanted to let you know that’s how the radio waves can affect your mind with all this technology we have.

Me, wondering if this deep breath meant his lecture was over. I’m thinking I could turn, put my headphones in, ignore him, as if I had never gotten up and asked him to turn the volume of his phone down. I could be writing right now. The cold shoulder might provoke him though. Is it better to let this run its course? How long could that last. I’d better get a drink of water, yes, that’s better and it lets me break eye contact in a non-aggressive way:

I’m sorry to hear that.

Man:

Yes, well, so be on the lookout if, in the near future, the police try and contact you. They could be coming for you — your house, your money, your children — it could be anything you care about. That’s what I want to warn you about.

Me, that drink of water helps clear my head. This is fascinating, actually. What was I even writing, anyway? Something that seemed worth focusing on, I suppose, if I felt the sound of people yelling on a train in a YouTube video was too disruptive. A man is speaking to me now, though, and listening is just as satisfying a use of time as writing. Maybe it helps him feel better, too. I’m giving him my attention happily, although I still don’t know what expression I should be making with my face:

Thank you.

Man, not showing any signs of walking away:

Of course, that’s all I wanted to say. I didn’t come over to argue about the phone, but to let you know how we have all this technology and it interferes with you. Not just with the identities but with what you think and what you see. It’s… you can look this up to find out. A lot of people don’t. So, last thing, I’ll let you know — I’ll ask you: do you know how many satellites we have above us right now. Don’t say. Above the United States — do you know?

Me, shaking my head, gently:

…

Man, pointing to the sky:

Over nine hundred satellites, each equipped with telescopes but also radioscopes — radios. It’s powerful things in the radio spectrum and it’s all around us. They can target us, with electricity and reflecting heat from the sun. Melt a car right in half. You can look up videos of that. They’ll track you, but they track you anyway, so I just wanted to warn you about that. That’s why I came over here.

Me:

Thank you.

Man, looking no less frustrated than when he started talking:

That’s all I wanted to warn you about. Remember the real identity: the face. Yes. Thank you. Alright then.

Me:

Have a good one.

Man, walking back to his table:

Mmhmm.

Me, thinking I can keep my cool until I make eye contact with the beautiful woman at the other table. Her mouth is agape and her teeth are white but she doesn’t really want to talk to me so she breaks her gaze before either of us laugh. We don’t laugh. I don’t know if I’m a bad person for even wanting to laugh. I say nothing:

I will remember, sir. I will try to remember everything you told me. I will count how many times you repeated each piece of advice and each anecdote. I will shame myself for wanting to laugh at you. I will pat myself on the back for diffusing the situation, even though I had no control over your behavior at any point. I will channel the feeling I had when I realized you weren’t an asshole, just crazy. I will try to put that into words, so that others may have the same feeling. And when all of your words have been written and posted to the internet, then as many as five other people may hear your advice. And when that happens, there will be another resource that the government and the people in Nigeria can use to track our lives, sir. And if it turns out you’re right, and my car gets melted in half, well that would make me look like a total dipshit.