The following story contains profanity and graphic imagery which may not be suitable for my mom. What started as sort of a joke gift a friend turned into three thousand words about love, death, and dicks. This is an experiment with the genre of “erotic fanfiction” based on the Magic The Gathering universe, though in depth knowledge of the source material is not necessary and should probably be avoided at all costs. Also, shoutout to Shipwreck SF as a continual source of inspiration. Enjoy!

 

Olivia had grown tired of sucking the same old blood. As a queen among vampires, she had Lords, Ladies, and lackeys lining up to offer her their flesh. Sometimes they would bring humans, or a feisty werewolf, or even a hot cat-person, but in recent centuries the novelty had started to wane. Living creatures were just so frail, and other immortals so cold and, well, dry… Blood is simply not a good lubricant. In any case, Olivia needed a spark of passion in her life — or, unlife or whatever — someone hot, but also powerful. She just couldn’t stop thinking about Chandra.

Olivia had met the fiery redhead at a bonfire party she had organized. After the main show, Chandra had come up to say how much she admired the way Olivia arranged the stacks of kindling — low enough at first to lick the toes of the prisoners dangling above the fire, but explosive enough to really charbroil the body. Olivia was so happy that someone in this town appreciated her craft. They talked exclusively to each other for the rest of the night.

The pair became fast friends, but Olivia knew it could be more than that. She felt she made her intentions clear. Subtly, at first: a few “You’re the hottest pyromancer I know” comments, or briefly flying over her while wearing a dress and no underwear — that kind of thing. Then, of course, there were the nights of “You should spend the day, but I only have one coffin for us to sleep in” or “Does the carpet taste like the drapes?”

One night, Chandra had even let Olivia taste a drop of her blood. In all her centuries, the vampire queen had never experienced a flavor so sweet, yet also so powerfully spicy. Within moments she was salivating, sweating, and anticipating what she could taste next. When she tried to shift her mouth from bite to kiss, though, her partner recoiled. Chandra bit her lip — her breath was shallow and quick as she gazed into Olivia’s eyes with deep longing. But she broke away from the vampire and, after putting a finger to Olivia’s lips, turned and teleported away.

Olivia had not seen Chandra since that night. Worse, she was tied up dealing with decidedly unsexy dead-people stuff. The balance of vampires and humans was getting all messed up or something, but also zombies were a problem? Honestly, Olivia gave no fucks. In the meantime, though, she wasn’t receiving any either. So she did what any sexually-frustrated aristocrat would do: unsheathed her Sword of Feast and Famine and went out on a beheading spree. On the outskirts of her immense estate there was plenty of fodder for her wrath — swarms of mindless undead shambled about, taking up space, not contributing anything to society. Some necks split apart with a satisfying “thunk,” others splattered and oozed in a way that was less cathartic but really made you feel like you had done some hard work today. Olivia tore through mob after mob, straying farther from her grounds.

 

A little while before sunrise Olivia came across a horde of zombies that was different from what she had seen all night. Instead of stalking around, moaning nonsense, these were all kneeling and bowing before a large mound in the middle of a swamp — and, well, still moaning nonsense, but coordinated nonsense. She lopped a few heads here and there, but they paid her no mind as they worshipped. Bloodlust waning, Olivia had to find out what was at the top of this mound.

Limbs interlocked with tree branches, held together by mud, building up to a flat space atop a small hill. Floating up to the peak, Olivia saw a group of zombies putting on some kind of show. They were sticking various body parts together and then catwalking around the hilltop.  They were playing with huge hands hanging off of tiny arms; some faces had paired strong cheekbones with devil-may-care eyebrows to make some classically gruesome skulls; there were three big ol’ dicks dangling off one torso with unreal abs. Olivia was enthralled and exceedingly curious about the puppetmaster behind this spectacle. She hovered closer.

Olivia landed in front of a throne made out of boners —- not bones, but engorged phalluses interwoven and sticking out like some Game of Thrones shit. It didn’t make sense, thought Olivia, don’t penises need bloodflow to be erect? Wait, how does vampire sex work again? Whatever — that’s a dope adiron-dick chair and the lady sitting in it is flashing some intense “fuck me” eyes.

A dark, slender figure was reclining in the bone-throne. The drapings of her purple cloak billowed in the wind, whipping her mindless servants in the face and creating an aura of dark magic. Her jewelry game was on point, using the right amounts of gold plating and silver chains to strike a balance between empress and Dungeon Madame. Although, the full-body, glowing spiral-tattoos were a bit much, Olivia had to admit.

“Uhm, excuse me, but what are you doing on my estate?” Olivia was normally more assertive when kicking people off her property, but this woman radiated so much power it was impossible not to show respect. “Would you please go dump your body piles in someone else’s swamp?”

The dark lady just blinked, licked her lips, and waved a hand to make the zombies quit their strutting. “Well, it’s good to finally meet you, too, Queen Vee. I’m damn sure you’re on my turf right now, honey, but I’ll admit I pushed the border a little bit, hoping to run into you.” She sat up in her throne and gestured toward a chode-stool beside her. “My name is Liliana Vess.”

Olivia approached, but only put her foot up on the scrottoman, striking a viscious power pose. “Aha, yes I’ve heard of you. Running around my country, jerking yourself off with this brainless bunch but never having any real friends.”

“Hey, you’re one to talk, Miss Vampire-Momma. How many of your relationships are consensual, anyway?” As she spoke, she summoned a mostly-intact hand to crawl up her skirt. “At least I put some real artistry in my work. Mmmm, yeah… that’s nice.”

Olivia was surprisingly disturbed by the handjob she was witnessing, but more surprisingly also intrigued. She powered through it: “Um, that’s not what my friend Chandra says about you.”

“Oh, you’re hanging out with that crybaby? She wouldn’t know art if it came by and killed her parents. Like, just the other day she and her ‘friends’ needed my help taking out some big furry monsters. So I convinced the creatures to eat themselves, genitals-first. The cuties managed to swallow their tails, assholes, and one leg each before bleeding out. Then, obviously, I resurrected the three-legged fuckers who gratefully stalked and killed their former masters. Like basic stuff, right? But ol’ red and gang got all weird about it. Totally lame.

“Oooh, ah- Ow! Not in the ass.”

There was something grotesque about this woman, but Olivia couldn’t help appreciating Lili’s pragmatism and, well, elegance. “Ok, I’ll admit that story was beautiful. I guess Chandles can be a bit hesitant to take things to the next level, at times. I mean, when I bit her, she… um, nevermind.”

“Teleported away, right?” Liliana was picking up on Olivia’s vibe. The affectionate nickname, the softening of her voice, the fact she refused a good chode-stool ride — clearly there was more to this “friendship.” Lili got it — like, she didn’t really “get it” get it, but it was clear Olivia had got it bad and that these chicks better get it while the gettin’ is good or else someone was going to get it.

“Look, Queeny, I have an idea,” she continued, “Go back to your fancy crypt and get ready for a visit from a certain ‘tomb raider’ — let me take care of the rest.”

“Uh, I’m flattered Madame Vess, but I’m just not in the mood for you right now.”

“Shiiiit bloodsucker, if that’s what I wanted you would already be screaming my name. Untwist your panties, then put on nicer panties and wait for whose coming.” And with that Liliana disappeared in a dark flash, leaving a limp hand flopping around on the throne.

Olivia looked around in a bit of a daze. She took a brief sit-down on the stool, but the magic seemed to have gone with its owner. She tidied her battle-dress, gave her sword a quick clean, and flew home, racing the rising sun.

 

Liliana had a sixth sense for finding people in cemeteries. This wasn’t part of her suite of magical abilities, though. It was a complex mix of empathy, logic, and a system of astrology from some watered-down philosophy that works everywhere even though there are multiple dimensions and planets and stuff. Also, finding Chandra was pretty easy once you spotted the 200-foot-high pillar of flame. As Lili approached, she spied the pyromancer hunched over a gravestone, sobbing, while an older woman hunched over, rubbing Chandra’s shoulders.

“I know the universe is a cold, uncaring place,” murmured the woman, “that’s why we are so lucky to have you: our little Gadget. Your father would be so proud to see the amount of light you bring to the world. So, come on Gadget, dry your tears.”

Ah yes, the mother, thought Lili. “Pia” was it? She’ll definitely be into what’s going to happen next. Lili approached the duo and put on her best “I know what it feels like to be sad when someone dies”-face, which she thought was pretty good. It was not good.

“Lo! What great pain emanates from the spirit realm!” Liliana raised her voice to a yell, placing one hand to the side of her head. “There is a man — about yea high, wears goggles — he hath departed, but he wisheth to speak to those whom he loved!”

Chandra ignored this display, but Pia rose and looked at Liliana with hopeful eyes. Then she squinted, thought for a moment, and shook her head. “That’s not funny, missy. That’s really insensitive, even for you.”

Lili stifled a cackle and tried to maintain sincere eye-contact. “I’m sorry, I should have known you wouldn’t be into the hocus-pocus stuff. But I can hear him, and I want to bring all of you together!”

“What could you possibly do?!” shouted Pia. “Go back in time and prevent his murder?”

“Ugh, wouldn’t that be sweet? No, can’t do that — not since The Mending, anyway.”

“Ok, great!” Pia screamed with great sarcasm. “So you’ll find a dimension where we died instead of him and reunite us?” she scream-casm’d.

“Witch, please! That shit’s way too ‘Doctor Who’ for me.”

Pia’s voiced settled. “You didn’t like that show?”

“Nah, tried some Tennant episodes, never got into it.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah…”

There was a pause, then Lili and Pia noticed the sobbing had stopped. Chandra rose, her eyes burning with deep, dark resentment. The pillar of flame receded into her outstretched palms. “If I wanted to bring him back” she uttered, “obviously I would have created a hyper-realistic automaton with his memories and personality. But how could I know it loved me?”

“Fuck, Red, talk about cry-romancer, amirite? I can get you the real thing! I’ll assemble his corpse into a mostly-living creature that can give you some advice and shit. 100% real love, should last a couple hours or so.”

Chandra and Pia looked at each other, troubled at first, but soon they softened. Pia glanced back at Liliana, “100% real love?” she asked.

“100% guaranteed,” assured Lili.

“Well, if it’s for love…” The mother and daughter nodded gently. “How long will it take?”

“Already did it before talking to you guys!” Liliana finally let out the cackle she had been suppressing. “Always, always, always execute your plan before asking people about it. Duh.”

Chandra began to spark with anger, but before she could pounce a handsome zombie limped out from behind a mausoleum. Handsome by zombie standards, of course. Nearly all of his facial tissue had been magically reassembled. Most of his ribs were exposed, but at least you could see there was a real heart in there. Pia held her breath before looking between his legs, then let out a sigh of relief — at least that was perfectly intact.

The resurrected lips of Kiran Nalaar began to move, frowned, then spat some black ooze onto the ground. He cleared his throat and started over: “My dear family, won’t you come into my frail, old arms. I am so grateful to see you again!”

Chandra hesitated. She attempted to glare at Liliana with rage, but her father’s voice broke her resolve. Within a moment she was sobbing steamy tears and resting her cheek on Kiran’s exposed ribs. Pia wrapped her arms around both of them, carefully positioning her leg so that her husband’s junk didn’t rub up against their daughter.

“Oh my darling gadgets, why do you cry so? Surely, in this universe where the afterlife exists (and is, frankly, not very difficult to access) you cannot be so distraught by my passing.”

Pia seemed to be at a loss for words. Finally Chandra answered, choking back her fading sobs: “Oh papa, we knew your spirit existed, but holding you in our arms is what we needed. Mama doesn’t want to say it, but I know she hasn’t been able to find a… source of affection that could fill your goggles. The worst part is she won’t even talk about it!”

“I, well, I-” Pia was taken aback, but she took a deep breath and addressed her daughter, apologetically. “I know that, as a family, we used to talk about love and caring for each other all the time. Since your father’s passing, though… well it just hasn’t felt right. I’m sorry if I imposed my own grief on you. I love you, gadget.”

“I love you, mama!” Chandra cried.

“See,” Kiran chuckled, his decayed throat rasping, “the two of you have such a deep capacity for love, even if I am not around to share it with you. Even so, perhaps I can help before I leave you once again.

“Pia: I died before I got to tell you about the secret lab where I was building you a pleasure-bot, modeled after my own anatomy. It was supposed to be a surprise.” Pia’s eyes widened, and she gripped her husband’s corpse even tighter.

“And Chandra, I can tell something weighs on your mind. Please, tell your mother and me what ails you.”

The young pyromancer had stopped crying. For a moment she smoldered with embarrassment. Errant flames almost ignited her parents, but she quelled her feelings and spoke up honestly. “Mama, papa, there is someone I love. But, I have to tell you, this person is a woman. Her name is Olivia.”

Pia and Kiran each held one of Chandra’s hands and said, almost in unison, “Gadget, that is wonderful!” Pia continued, “I hope my own loneliness hasn’t made you think I would disapprove. As long as Olivia’s heart burns for you with the same passion we will support you with all our hearts.”

Chandra let out a deep sigh of relief. Now that she was honest about it, she realized she always knew her parents were on her side. Really, they just helped her get past her own fears.

“There’s one more thing I should mention, though. She’s a vampire.”

Chandra’s parents looked at each other, then turned back to her.

“That’s hot,” stated Kiran.

“Super hot,” agreed Pia.

“Now go slay that pussy,” interjected Liliana. Kiran’s flesh was starting to fray and she still had plans of her own with Momma and Papa Nalaar. “Olivia is waiting for you as we speak. Go to her.”

Chandra gave her frenemy a nod, then embraced her zombie dad one last time, awkwardly avoiding going to crotch-to-crotch with her parents. Finally, she clicked her heels together and disappeared.

“Now, where exactly is that secret dildo lab you mentioned?” asked Lili.

 

Olivia was worried she had overdone it with the sex dungeon. Was edible underwear too cliche? Were riding crops appropriate for a first time? Did she really need eight racks? To relax her nerves she had sucked dry a family of alcoholics, but it only made her hungry for a singular taste. At a loss, she hung herself upside down by her ankles and tied a silver-laced blindfold around her eyes. The precious metal burned her skin just enough to make her tingle with excitement. Slowly, she let one hand creep across the boning of her corset, slip beneath a layer of pomegranate panties, and put ever-so-slight pressure on her clitoris.

The tips of her fingers were like ice. Dead, vampire ice. It had been decades since she had masterbated without the service of blood slaves. The cold, lonely sensation nearly made her stop. At that moment, though, there was a subtle whoosh sound followed by an intense heat between her legs. Her hand froze — or, like, stopped moving. She tried to reach for the blindfold but her wrists locked themselves behind her back, compelled by some magical force.

Could it really be her? thought Olivia. She began to cry out, but her words turned into gasps as she felt a tongue lick through her panties with steaming ferocity. Pomegranate fumes made her salivate, the sweltering heat made her sweat, and yet the tongue drew out a special kind of moisture. Fluids that had been dormant in her royal flesh for centuries erupted at the first touch of that tongue. As it moved across her labia it seemed to spell out the words “I LOVE YOU” as a silent, tactile declaration.

Finally, it was too much. “Chandles!” screamed Olivia, body shaking vigorously as she hung by her ankles. The tongue stopped its dance, but there was no response. Then Olivia felt hot breath blow across her pelvis. Her corset disappeared and in its place were delicate kisses. They tickled her belly button, then crawled across her ribs. Lips brushed each of her nipples, taunting, then disappeared. There was no contact, no heat. Olivia pushed against her restraints, searching for that magical source. There was nothing, for a moment, and her body shivered with its normal coldness while the warmth of those kisses lingered on her skin. Then, suddenly, those lips were against her own. An uncontrollable heat spread through her mouth and down her neck, nearly scorching her static heart.

The lips broke away again, but Olivia could still feel the warm breath. “Yes, my love, I am here,” whispered Chandra. Crouching, she gently pulled the smoldering blindfold off Olivia’s face.

Olivia blinked against the fiery brilliance before her. The red of Chandra’s hair seemed to make the whole room glow with a warmth Olivia had never before seen in a sex dungeon.

“I… I wasn’t sure this is what you wanted,” she said.

“No, you knew. You knew before I did.”

“But I didn’t want to force-”

“Shhhh, darling. You were perfect. You are perfect,” reassured Chandra. “Now — bite me! Bite my thigh!”

Chandra watched Olivia’s fangs grow then stood up and wrapped her legs around the upside-down vampire mistress. The puncture made her quiver and moan. Months of anticipation flooded from her veins, and also from her vagina. The two women plunged teeth and tongue into each other, reveling in the ecstasy that can only come from vertical, lesbian sixty-nine.

Minutes passed, then hours. There were times Chandra thought she would be pulled apart by the wrists, the ankles, the buttcheeks; every inch of her ached and tingled simultaneously. There was a moment, though, at the summit of many successive orgasms when a flood of magic erupted from her heart and she was certain she saw a vision: Kiran being ruthlessly pegged by Liliana while eating out Pia, and all of them looking up at her with a smile and a thumbs-up.

 

The End