A handsome, ethnically-ambiguous man sweeps across the stage. It is the future, or an alternate present, and he is the host of a television show. The stage has a backdrop which is colored a color. There is a couch, which is another color.The man’s suit is a third color. All of the colors look good together, but I can’t explain why because this isn’t my world. This is the world of Reality Television.
The man’s name is Franz Gauthama Sartescarte but he uses a stage name which is Phil O’sopher. Everyone thinks that’s great. Everyone watches his show, many people love it, no one watches it too much, and all of the children brush their teeth before bed. Everyone is just as happy as you are, and just as sad as you are, but they all watch the show no matter how they are feeling. The show is called Who Is Actually, Genuinely, Truly a Good Person?
WIAGTAGP is a social experiment in the same way that leaving the house in the morning is a social experiment. Mr. O’sopher, however, would argue the show is far less cruel than that. In fact, contestants are trying not to leave the house at all. They are not trapped though. They can leave any time they want, but they want to win more than they want to leave.
WIAGTAGP is a competition in the same way that leaving the house in the morning is a competition. The rules are simple:
- Six people live in a house together.
- No one knows which of them is a good person.
- When an individual decides he or she is not a good person, he or she must leave the house.
- If an individual decides he or she is a good person, he or she wins.
- Everyone must wear purple on Thursdays.
- There is no voting and no one can force any other person out of the house. (Except by reminding someone that they forgot to wear purple.)
Today is a monumental day for WIAGTAGP: the second-to-last person has left the house. Her name is Marie Susan and Mr. O’sopher is going to interview her during a segment that breaks up the monotony of watching people mope around the house all day. The show actually contains more clips of hosts and audience members weighing-in with their opinions than actual footage of people contemplating existence. It’s quality entertainment, though, and the commercials breaks are reasonably spaced and not too long.
PO: Hello and welcome, Marie!
MS: Hello, Phil. Thank you.
PO: So, Marie — everyone is wondering — what made you finally decide that you are not actually, genuinely, a truly good person?
MS: Well, I hope it’s not too boring of an answer, but after all that time it just hit me: I don’t care.
PO: You don’t care?
MS: That’s right, Phil. That’s the thought I kept coming back to. I just kept imagining all the other things I could be doing instead.
PO: So, you left to do these other things?
MS: Yes, and no… You see, I kept noticing how I wanted to get away from the question. But I also felt it was my duty to overcome this urge. These two parts of my brain kept shouting back and forth at each other. This went on for years!
PO: That sounds like agony!
MS: It truly was. And I could have stayed in that house for six more years trying to work it out, but luckily I realized it was pointless. What a relief I felt when I remembered the title of your show!
PO: “Our show,” please!
MS: You make it so simple, really: a genuinely good person wouldn’t be stuck in turmoil for so long. A truly good person would have found a way to get past it sooner. So I, actually, had no choice but to leave.
PO: Brilliant! What amazing progress you made, and I’m so glad our show could be a part of your growth.
MS: Thank you, Phil.
PO: But I have to ask — for our viewers — did you ever consider that by comparing yourself to an abstract ideal you created a self-imposed barrier which by definition prevents you from examining yourself fairly? There are those who say these sorts of “Platonic” forms do more to restrict the mind than awaken it.
MS: I thought about it, Phil, but honestly it always sounded like crap to me. No spine to it. No, that could never swing me, I’m afraid.
PO: Ha ha! Mary, your candor is appreciated! By the viewers as well, I’m sure. Thank your for joining us over the past six years. Well that’s about all the time we have for you today, but before you go I’d love to get your opinion on our final contestant. Did she ever try to help you?
MS: Yes, she once explained to me how she overcame this internal conflict.
PO: And what was that?
MS: I can’t remember — I never could. She went through it in detail, I know that, but all I could ever remember is that it didn’t seem to fit into my life. I’m glad it worked for her, though.
PO: Do you think she’ll go the distance?
MS: All I can say about Samantha is that she wants it more than anyone who has ever come through those doors. It’s up to her to decide whether she wants it too much.
PO: Brilliant! As always, Marie, a pleasure.
MS: Thank you, Phil.
PO: Now, it’s time to take a little break. But don’t go away — we’ll be right back with footage of our final contestant, Samantha, as she contemplates dinner.
The lights pan across the stage and the camera follows them over an excited, applauding audience. The commercial is honest, sensitive, and brief, but we are all happy when it is over because we get to see Phil O’sopher contemplate Samantha while she contemplates dinner. Good night, and keep watching.
Harmless Writing 